7 Reasons Why Roadhouse Is the Best Movie Ever

1. Patrick Swayze's strength is derived entirely from Thai Chi.

2. Zen philosopher who earns $500 a night to 'clean up' rowdy bars? Yes.

3. Patrick Swayze includes his alma mater in his medical records.

4. The gratuitous nudity (e.g. The Swayze's butt shot).

5. The idea that the main protagonist is rich from "running" such a small town. It has like three businesses total.

6. Sam Elliot's glorious silver mane.

7. Nobody wins a fight.

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Out of the Box DVD reviews: Lost Boys: The Tribe

Wow, I actually stooped to watching the sequel to one of the most laughable movies to come out of the zeitgeist set of mtv inspired that dominate the mid and late 80s. Can't say that I'm not a fan of the original Lost Boys, but it lends itself well to producing a crap sequel, especially nearly 20 years later when putting reality tv staple Cory 'Feld-dog' Feldman is an insult to the audience. Add of bunch of goth-sufer-biker-jock-douchey vampire dudes and it doesn't really get any better.

It meanders around a premise similar to the original, but updated with modern, frivolous profanity laden dialog and unnecessary action set-pieces. And blood drinking, lots of blood drinking.

In other words, try and avoid this sequel at all costs. And don't steal this movie.

Later this week: Starship Troopers 3!

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B-Moive Marathon: Stone Cold

Stone Cold has to be on of my favorite movies of all time. I was introduced to it a few years ago by a friend in film school at University of Colorado and have sworn by it since the first time I saw it.

We we're in a group production class together and spending an intense amount of time on writing and shooting a short film for nothing. Literally less than $100 was spend on what we ended up making, which didn't turn out to be very good, but it was a good experience at the time. To blow off steam that semester, in addition to drinking copious amounts of beer, we would watch this movie.

From the opening scene the madness ensues. Large and cheap-looking-but-you-know-they-were-expensive set pieces dominate most of the action in this movie; a grocery store, a motorcyle chase, the seige of the capital of Alabama, a biker rally complete with beer can-handgun William Tell, a Viking Funeral pyre with a motorcycle (and dead biker) on it and a fucking pet gila monster make this the greatest fucking movie of all time. Period. Point blank.

Oh, and it stars Lance Hendricksen. Yeah, Bishop from Aliens. Not to mention the stunningly homo-erotic yet obtusely sexless performance from former NFL burnout Brian Bosworth. At the helm of this monstrously ridiculous spectacle is former stunt coordinator and seasoned B-movie director Craig R. Baxley (who presumably was only able to get Hendricksen to do this because of their Aliens connection).

Suffice it to say, the practical special effects in this movie are so gaudy and over-the-top that you lose track of how many stunt dummies they blow up, throw from helicopters or hit with cars (both of the latter also involve explosions).

And then there's The Boz. Not only did he ride his custom made motorcycle with his own skull with flaming mullet emblem airbrushed on the gas tank (the same patch is found on his biker jacket), but he stoops to deadpanning some of the most ridiculously ill-concieved b-movie dialog, like explaining to his straight-laced partner that (in a strip club) "truckers get their rocks off watchin' the girls dance."



There are other great lines too: "Tell Chains to keep his castles out of my sandbox," "He's either gonna be my bulldozer, or the biggest steak I ever ate."

Great homo-eroticisms like "Is that a piece in your pants?" and later in the same scene, refer to the Boz's time in the pen: "Pretty boy like you must've done some real hard time."

To balance that out, there's copious amounts of R-rated nudity. Who knew biker gangs insisted on public showers for their old ladies? Coupled with all the ridiculous violence, Stone Cold is one of the most amazing cultural documents to emerge from this country in the last two decades.

Srsly, do yourself a favor and go watch this movie. Previously only available on video tape and bootleg DVD (Thanks Thomas for letting me steal that from you), Stone Cold got its very own fancy DVD release last summer. Its on Netflix, too.

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B-Movie Marathon: Westworld

James Brolin stars in 1973's Westworld in my second entry in this weekends B-Movie Marathon. Again, thanks to my Roku Player this little gem is a great piece of 70s scifi.

I had never seen this before today, probably because it came out 13 years before I was born, but it is definitely one of my favorites from the era. Its filled with lots of suspense inducing clichés, with lots foreshadowing of all the bad shit that goes down.

Like most things I like from the 70s, Westworld was parodied by The Simpsons. The Simpsons have a habit of doing this; familiarizing me with pieces of culture years before I otherwise would have heard/seen them. Examples include Soylent Green, The Omega Man, All the President's Men and the list really could go on a lot further (I'd of course, have to consult my local library).

So, another movie in set in the future, this time with customized vacations complete with robots! These vacations are set in a variety of themes including, you got it, Western World! James Brolin, et al., go to western world and interact with the cast of robotic western staples like the man without a name gunslinger, western bartender in bowler hat and bodiced and corseted robot hookers.

But behind the scenes the guys in the white coats who keep things running start noticing that things are starting to be a little glitchy in their theme parks. When your robot snakes start attacking guests, you should really considering closing up for a few weeks to figure things out. If you ignore my advice, you get a robots-against-James Brolin scenario. Typical for scientists to eff things up like this. No wonder why people think that the LHC is going to create a black hole.

And the movie marathon continues!

I'm probably going to take a break for a little bit, recharge with some beer and dinner and then get started watching some totally awesome flicks. Next up is Brian Bosworth's pseudo-nazi-biker-gang-of-drug-dealers ass kicking Stone Cold from 1991. One of my all time favorites!


And here's a screen grab from The Simpsons episode I mentioned.

The Simpsons vs. Westworld:

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B-Movie Marathon: Twisted Justice

Troma Entertainment's 1989 future-cop extravaganza, Twisted Justice is first up in my B-Movie Marathon this weekend. Written, directed and staring David Heavener as James Tucker, the gun-toting, onsie-wearing futurecop with a bad attitude and a five o'clock shadow. Also staring Shannon Tweed, Erik Estrada and former NFL superstar Jim Brown, Twisted Justice delivers exactly the kind of flashy excitement that is promised on the box-cover.

So, its the year 2020 in Los Angeles and guns have become so dangerous that cops can't even use them, but James Tucker doesn't care about laws that limit his ability to kick freaky-criminals to the ground before he shoots them with his homemade "hand cannon." Also, criminals in the future mostly enjoy attacking women and mutilating them with knives and shit before they kill them. This really pisses off Tucker, but he feels reigned in by Commander Erik Estrada, who lectures him about how using his gun is bad for PR. This allows Tucker to act like a standoff-ish weirdo, especially to the foxy-but-toned-down-for-effect district attorney.

Like a few other B-Movies slated to air in this weekend's marathon, the antihero protagonist displays some quirky / borderline antisocial behavior in his home life. See, Tucker is filthy, lives with a pet rat and is continually accused of smelling badly (something which probably isn't aided by the fact that he wears stained and dirty looking one-piece long underwear the entire movie. Like, under his clothes and when he's sleeping).

The plot is a bit hard to follow. Something about drugs and this creepy-looking maniac guy whose been attacking women. Then Shannon Tweed shows up, and I really had trouble keeping track of what was going on after that. The movie has a pretty-good-for-a-b-movie car chase, a few explosions and some pretty decent (read: giant squib packs) old-school f/x. Also in the future theres like softcore POV pornography on a channel opposite It's A Wonderful Life, which is fairly unsettling when you sit down and think about that.

Twisted Justice is low budget and it shows. But thats not to say that its laden with any obvious mistakes, its just campy and fun. Much higher production value than Redneck Zombies, another Troma flick, which looks like it was shot without a DP, gaffers, or any porduction staff besides a camera operator and some sort of art department pa to throw together myraid crappy and uneccessary special effects.

All in all, Twisted Justice was a worthwhile B-Movie experience--which I wouldn't have been able to view without my glorious Roku Player.

Redneck Zombies was the next movie I was going to watch today, but after about five minutes I had to bail because it was so unbearable. Quick thinking pointed me onwards 1973's Westworld staring Josh Brolin!

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