22 Worst James Bond Movies - The Final Installment

8. Never say Never Again

While Never Say Never Again isn't a canonical Bond movie, it is pretty fucking bad. Getting Sean Connery to come back was a big coup in 1982, and it went head to head with Octopussy. What makes this truly a sad piece of crap is that its a remake of Thunderball, without all the pert originality which made the original fodder for proper entertainment. And on top of that Sean Connery's head had already started to spread out horizontally, but before he was white and bearded.

7. The World Is Not Enough

Denise Richards is a rocket scientist. Anything else?

6. You Only Live Twice

Is there anything more offensive than putting Sean Connery in asian-face?

Answer: No, no there's not. By far the weakest Connery Bond (not counting Never Say Never Again, but that's a whole different ball game), which by comparison makes it lower than perhaps it deserves to be. But I've never felt the need to placate anyone I don't know.

5. The Living Daylights

So people think that Timothy Dalton made an ok Bond, comparable to George Lazenby (who?). Not me. Not me at all, sir. He just doesn't have the charm necessary for Bond to be believably entertaining. He nails the first part of that description but not the second. He's just not fun to watch. Truth be told, The Living Daylights does have a better plot than its place on this list would lead you to believe, but I just don't enjoy it.

4. Die Another Day

This one wins the title of worst theme song, with Madonna's titular track. Brosnan's last outing is an attempt to mature the Bond character for him, which unfortunately backfires into absolute ridiculousness. You kind of forget about Bond the tortured and fragile POW when he starts driving around his invisible through an ice hotel to save Halle Berry.

While Die Another Day isn't the single reason for the franchise reboot, it is definitely one of the prime suspects. Pierce, we really liked you in Goldeneye, why did you let us down so?

3. Octopussy

Gypsies, for the most part, aren't very interesting. They just steal your stuff and ruin your James Bond movies.

2. License to Kill

Timothy Dalton on made two Bond movies, and this piece of trash is the reason why. The plot is weak, the bond girls are weak and Dalton is dismal. And it had to go up against the first Tim Burton Batman, Last Crusade and The Abyss. Needless to say, it didn't fare too well.

1. Tomorrow Never Dies

Now don't get me wrong, I'm down for the whole women's empowerment thing but not when it involves James Bond handcuffed to that one asian chick thats in everything riding a motorcycle through a stereotype. Especially because the whole effect really falls flat when you're able to tell that a) pierce brosnan has no business on a motorcycle and was only too happy to delegate this one to a stuntman b) said stuntman isn't actually handcuffed to a asian chick, but its a prop fake sleeve with the asian girl actually holding on to his arm, and c) why is James Bond handcuffed to anyone? Roger Moore would've never let that happen to him. Its just embarrassing.

James Bond is known for over-the-top set pieces which only exist for the stunts preformed around them, but some are definitely far inferior to others. And this has to be by far the worst example.

So that about wraps it up. This was done mainly in anticipation of Quantum of Solace, the 22nd canonical Bond movie and the second with Daniel Craig. Quantum will be unique in that it is the first direct sequel of the franchise. Expect Bond to kick some ass finding out who was really behind Vesper Lind's betrayal. I'll end this with my favorite Bond quote, one which doesn't actually appear in any of the films (to my knowledge), but rather the closing line of Ian Fleming's first James Bond novel, Casino Royale: "The bitch is dead."

Here are the previous two posts:

Worst Bond Movies 22 - 16

Worst Bond Movies 15 - 9

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22 Worst James Bond Movies Part 2

Trailer for the 1996 VHS box sets

14. The man with the Golden Gun

This is the one with the midget and christopher lee, right? Yep, that's the one, and its kinda crap. Not really bad, but just enough into the Moore-era Bond to seem pretty laughable. Oh, and Lee's villian, Scaramanga has a third nipple.

13. The Spy Who Loved Me

This is one of Roger Moore's better films, despite not being as memorable as Moonraker of Live and Let Die. Although it does feature a car with submarine mode, a feature only appreciate by the überüber-rich and super-spies alike.

12. From Russia with Love

Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of reasons to place From Russia With Love higher on this list, and its got a lot of good qualities. But for me, the sillier James Bond is tops, and this cold war espionage tale can get a bit grating.

11. Diamonds Are Forever

Ahh, the return of Sean Connery after a disastrous turn from George Lazenby. 007 seems disinterested in the overly-ambitious plot and punctuations of over-the-top silliness that would soon become a staple of the series.

10. For Your eyes Only

I remember For Your Eyes Only being the first James Bond movie I watched a lot when I was a kid. For some reason this is the only one we owned on vhs before the box sets came out, maybe because the amount of skiing in it--but I can't be sure. Something about a greek shipping heir and him visiting his wife's grave. Snore.

9. A View To A Kill

This one has Christopher Walken acting extra crazy as a blonde in this post-Deer Hunter role with also-creepy Grace Jones as his sidekick. I can't really remember the specifics of the plot of this one, but I'm sure it has lots of explosions and shit to keep you midly entertained for 90 minutes. Too bad like most Bond flick this runs around 2 hours, leaving 30 minutes to sit on your hands (or dick around on the internets).

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22 Worst James Bond Movies

Like srsly, this week erry time I turn on the teev I swear theres a Bond Movie on. And an off the cuff remark to Amy about The World is Not Enough only being the 16th worst Bond flick made me actually flesh out my list. I figure I'm gonna have to do this in a few parts, because I'm working on a film this week and my schedule's all effed up. Here's the first seven though, more to come in a few days! (Ed, I expect feedback)

22. Goldfinger

Sean Connery really hits his stride in Goldfinger, which is packed with iconic scenes, witty repartee and lots and lots of Pussy Galore. Also, this is the first Bond film to use the convention of the non-plot cold open (From Russian with Love's teaser ties in with the plot, so I discount that as a technicality). By far the least sucky Bond film.

21. Live and Let Die

The first vehicle for the star turn of Roger Moore as 007 takes James Bond across the pond in this voodoo-tastic, Jane Seymour-packed exemplary 70s Bond flick. Sucks way less than the 20 others.

20. Casino Royale

Daniel Craig inherently doesn't suck. And rebooting a faltering franchise is always a good idea and it serves James Bond well here. With most of the decadence and ridiculousness of the latter Brosnan films stripped away, Bond is humanized without any proselytizing about female empowerment screwing up the action set pieces, which is another welcome relief.

19. Dr. No

Firsties=Besties, right? Not necessarily, but Dr. No is certainly good. Sets the tone of flamboyant action mixed with the right amount of humor, gravity and scantily clad women. Everything Bond should be. Superior to its also Caribbean counterpart, Thunderball.

18. Thunderball

Ends up losing control of itself because of how fucking long it is. The plot meanders around for a bit, there a sharks and few sexy 60s chicks, but by the time the 20 minute underwater battle royale ensues you're definitely checking ur watch. Still, a lot less to complain about than almost anything lower on the list. And lots of Sean Connery in semi-bikini briefs.

17. Goldeneye

Following suit with the post-Connery Bonds, Pierce Brosnan's first outing is by far the most memorable, if only for the countless hours of my life I wasted playing the eponymous videogame. One of the best plot related cold opens of the series.

16. Moonraker

Ok, I know what you're saying. "Moonraker sucks. There are way better Bond films." And this statement is quite true. The Bond movies that are better than Moonraker are listed above. Keep in mind that there a lot of the eff-ing things, and that at least Moonraker keeps its sense of humor. Not at any given point is the plot or anything that happens is meant to be taken seriously. There's a lot more suck to come, trust me.

15. On Her Majesty's Secret Service

This is the least interesting Bond film from the standpoint of what would normally classify a Bond film as being good (see: Moonraker). But every now and then, Jimmy needs to remind his audience that there's more to being a super-spy than hot bitches, little guns and quippy sexual innuendo--there are wives and kilts and shit too.

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In the news today...

• Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal. Seems like people are really into the Olympics this time around (Guess that's what happens when the economy sucks). via nytimes


• Second Death Star invades San Franscarcity! via the giz


• Some nerds are petitioning Warner Bros. to 'let' Watchmen be "as long as it needs to be." Fanboys kill me. The film industry could really care less about people on the internet petitioning them about anything. The thing is apparently already cut anyway. via iO9

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